Don't even recognize, do you???

I heard you last night.

But there's only ONE way it can be, and unless that's what's on the table, I just can't allow myself to partake anymore.

I hurt, I ache, I cry...because it's out of my hands.

Only YOU can effect the change we seem to both need.

I've given it my everything, now it's your turn to return the favor.

Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it

And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?

It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn,
Ain't it crazy
When you're loveswept
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there

It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
Than I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta wean myself off of you. :(

Stop this train - I wanna get off.

No, I'm not color blind. I know the world is black and white. Try to keep an open mind but I just can't sleep on this tonight.

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing 'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

I can't believe this is how it's gonna be. After everything. I'm abandoned again.

I thought we were more than this, better than this. I thought I knew your heart. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew what I could believe in. I thought this time it just couldn't be too good to be true.

Now all I'm left with...is doubt. Doubt that any of it was ever real for one tiny second. Where was your heart? For sure, not where I thought it was.

Now all I'm left with...is pain. The pain of being discarded like trash, in favor of something that more closely resembles actual trash.

Now all I'm left with...is pieces. Leftover pieces of my heart and mind that I have to figure out how to put back together without the most important pieces that you stole.

I'm trying so hard to move on, to put out of my mind this cruel joke that no matter what I try continues to consume me every minute of every day. I just want to forget every second of my life with you in it. I'm failing miserably.

I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train...

Just like every night has its dawn...

Saturday evening, on my way to the grocery store just before sundown, the sky was dark but gorgeous – a pretty steel-blue grey color, full of luscious, puffy clouds that teased of rain. Then that song came on the radio, and although I’ve been successful for the past year at changing the station and avoiding the thought, this time, for whatever reason, I couldn’t reach the dial.

All I could think of was that love that I lost. The love I shouldn’t have had in the first place. The love I knew better than to get myself into, simultaneously imprudent yet completely vital to my state of heart and mind at the time…the kind that I’ve only experienced twice in my life.

He loved this song. A song about lost love. And as it played, all I could see was his face when he told me how he’d waited so long for me to come along; and I could almost feel his hands holding my face, the way he used to each time he kissed me. When I was with him, I felt complete. Like every crummy thing I’d been through in my ridiculous life had led me to him, to this love. The love that never belonged to me in the first place.

I recently got an email from an old high school friend, talking about how he, like I, had spent so many years chasing something he knew nothing about, making all the same mistakes I had made, and it made me feel a little better…yet I’m spending my Saturday nights at the grocery store. Alone, still clueless as to where I am, and feeling like I don’t know that I could ever give my heart away again. (I’m not completely stupid, I know I will.)

It’s funny how ominous skies can be so charmingly beautiful; how the ugly truth in a relationship can wear such a charming disguise.

So, I heard the song again as I sat down at my desk this morning, and felt like writing. And in true fashion of always being super-tuned to me, as I typed that last sentence, he stopped in to say hello. *sigh*

Disses

Disappointed. I just read up on the poll counts, and I've gotta say, I really expected to see better turnouts. I witnessed and heard of "the longest lines in history" at the polling places; yet the turnout numbers don't reflect the same sentiment. Look at places like New York and California. Think about the population of those states. Then look at how many people really voted. Sad and disappointing.

Disconnected. I miss my friends in L.A. so much right now. My best boyfriend is going through hell and upheaval in every aspect. I feel helpless when he needs me the most. My best and oldest, dearest girlfriend (more like a sister) is about to have another baby, and I won't be there to see him grow up or to help her change diapers and wash bottles when she's sleepless and wiped out. Another sweet friend just had a milestone birthday, and lots of people came from all over (across state lines, even) to help him celebrate. I couldn't go, for my three exhausting but absolutely necessary jobs. And there's Bunny, my sister, my cousin (who visited two weeks ago and I've missed every minute since she left). And I really, REALLY miss my church. There's nothing like it here, and when i think about it, I get really sad. Although I'd had just about all I could take of living in California when I left, I feel like I'm in some alternate universe or something, not quite "gone" from there, just disconnected.

Discombobulated. Crud! I have so much work to do everywhere I turn, I'm getting overly creative with my spreadsheets, and too technical with my art. There's laundry in the kitchen, and dishes in the bedroom. Shoes on the bed, pillows on the floor. You get the idea. Calgon, bring my combobulation back!

Time

Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. Whoa, that's actually apropo given that tomorrow is the big primary for many states. And we need ALL the help we can get - our country and our freedoms are in trouble and it's only gonna get worse! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

The original purpose for this blog was to remind myself that the clock is ticking, and I have a pretty long To-Do list. Now is the time to get serious about that dreaded hunt again. Now is the time to start smiling more. Now is the time to lose that weight so I can wear a CUTE swimsuit in Maui. Now is the time for me to make that last-minute call to someone who is yet undecided about how he will vote tomorrow...YIKES!

Now is also the time for me to start blogging again. Yeah, I blog on myspace, but it seems like my best topics are wasted there. It's time for a REAL blog again. Hopefully, I won't let my readers down!

Uh, it's also time to check my dinner in the oven...brb!

Okay, back. Can I say anything else about time? Time...well, time won't give me time. Morris Day has some though.